Tag: Death

Day 4 – Cherished Memories

“Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives. And when he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?”

Yesterday’s challenge called for one to live in the present with gratitude. Do not focus on the past for it is done. Do not dream about the $1.5 billion lottery I will win on Saturday. Imagine those gratitude posts! Live now with what is happening now. Enjoy the moment because it is here.

So what happened? Yesterday was hectic. I had several meetings that took more time than anticipated. Issues popped up throughout the day that we unexpected. And there was a funeral. A funeral of a friend who died too young. Trying to be present at a funeral is challenging. It puts perspective on everything. Life is precious. Each day is a gift. And we are so interconnected.

Today’s challenge requires us to focus on cherished memories. Rarely do we understand the value of experience until it has passed. Below, I outline a cherished memory.

In the late spring of 1996, I moved to a new community. One of the first people I met were young married couple about my age. We quickly hit it off and became friends. Less than a month after moving, this couple invited me to go golfing with them on a Saturday. They heard it was my birthday and wanted to make sure it was special. The course is a small tight nine-hole golf course with small greens. We played the first nine holes fairly quickly and decided to play another 9. As we came off the number 3 green, a golf cart driven by a young kid approached us with a note.

The note was for me. The note said “Paramedics called. Call your mom at home.” I jumped in the cart and rode back to the clubhouse (cellphones were not widely used yet). In the clubhouse, I called my mother and learned that my father had unexpectedly passed away.

I drove back to my friends and told them what happened. It’s an awkward moment when you tell friends your dad died. I suspect it’s worse when you are still in your 20s. The wife immediately gave me a big hug. The comfort and calm I felt with that hug was exactly what I needed at that moment. The husband hugged me too but we were 20 something guys and it was awkward..but he meant well. I don’t remember much after that except I left the golf course and drove 30 minutes to my mother’s house.

A few months later this couple would move to a different community. However, our lives would intersect many times. We eventually moved to the same community. We ran into each other at church, social events, and restaurants. Our oldest and their youngest went through confirmation together.

Every time I saw either of them, I remembered that day in 1996 when two people I barely knew, treated me with such care, compassion, and kindness when my father passed. I don’t think I ever thank them for their kindness. Yet, that moment on the golf course is one of my most cherished memories.

Unfortunately, Shannon passed away in March 2021. Yesterday, I went to Lee’s funeral. I hope that Shannon greeted Lee with a big hug when he passed. Both died too young but I will always have that memory of the moment on the golf course. I am grateful for that memory.

Momento Mori

Today is a day of reflection for me. Two years ago, I went to bed unaware my life was about to change. My oldest brother Jeff had tested positive for Covid-19 ten days prior. He was holding his own and showing mild symptoms. Many, myself included, thought he was going to survive. Yet, at around 2am, a police officer notified us that my brother had passed.

My brother was the 200th person in my state to die with Covid. As of this writing, the number of deaths is over 3,000. I don’t wish to argue about the pandemic. Rather, I want to talk about one of the things the pandemic taught me.

The pandemic taught me life is precious. It can be taken in a moment. The pandemic also reminded me that we are all mortal. We will all die. Towards that end, each day is important. It is important to embrace what life gives you each day.

So I close by asking a favor, before you go to bed tonight (and every night), tell those you love how much they mean to you. For if something should happen before you wake, let the final words be ones of love and gratitude.

The Answers are Within

I’ve told this story to close friends but not it distributed widely. It’s possible, only close friends will read this post and that’s okay.

I am not an overly religious person person and not a fan of organized religion. However, I am spiritual and do believe we each have a purpose in this life. Further, I believe there is something after this life which I hope is better.

Over 25 years ago, my father suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Though his health had been failing for years, his death was shock. No matter the circumstances, you are never ready to lose a family member.

At the time of his death, I was still in the early stages of my professional career and had recently started a new job. Our complicated and sometimes volatile relationship was improving. But now, with his death, our unresolved issues would remain. Further, I was thrust into a familial role I was not prepared to take. My mother looked to me for guidance. I longed for his wisdom, insight and support.

In the months following his death, I would often dream of spending time with him. In my dreams, we were often doing the things we did when he was living or things I wished we had done. In the dreams, there was no sense that we were living in different worlds as we were both alive.

Approximately six months after he died, I had another dream about my dad. This time it was different. This time it was clear I was living and he was not. The sensation still gives me chills.

The setting for the dream was in the house my parents were living when my father passed. My mom, sister and I were at the house when I stepped to the garage grab a cigarette and smoke (it was a nasty habit I had at the time).

When I entered the garage, my dad was there. I gave him a big hug. I felt a calm and peace that I have not felt since. In the garage, we talked about a lot of things while smoking. It was amazing. Imagine getting a

chance to spend a few more moments with someone you love after they pass.

At the end of our meeting, I asked him if he wanted to come inside and see my mom and sister. He looked at me and said “They aren’t ready to see me yet.” I was disappointed by his answer as I knew my mom and sister missed my dad as much as I did. I still don’t understand this part of the dream.

If the dream ended here, it would have been an amazing experience. But it didn’t end there. As we said our goodbyes, I asked my dad “When you die, do you get the answers to the questions?” My father looked at me inquisitively. “What do you mean?” he asked. I explained that I have always wanted to know the answers to many of the questions. Some serious and some not. What came first – the chicken or the egg? Is there a god? Will the Vikings ever win a Super Bowl? Once he understood what I was asking, my father looked at me and said, “The answers are within you, always”. And then he was gone.

I’ve spent the last 25+ years wrestling with his statement. Perhaps it means nothing and was just a dream. However, what if my dad was spot on? What if, we always have the answers within us? Does this mean that to have more success, you need a better questions?

I’ll end here, if the answers are within, asking better and empowering questions will lead to better and empowering answers.

One last thing, mark down 2026…that’s when the Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

Day 15 of Gratitude Challenge

I’m told that when he was born he was not expected to live more than 10 years. He defied the odds and lived almost 60 years.

14 months ago he contracted Covid and died 11 days later. In the first few months after his death, I vacillated between anger and sadness. Overtime, I made efforts to focus on gratitude. Gratitude for the memories I have. Gratitude for the lessons he taught me. Gratitude for the love he gave. Gratitude for the years he was alive. Gratitude for all he gave to me.

I’m still sad and occasionally angry. But mostly I am grateful to have had a brother like him. Today is his birthday. I’ll celebrate by taking some time to bee grateful for his life.

Today’s challenge requires you to think about somebody who has passed on and do so with gratitude for all the gifts they left for you.

Pivot from Beginning to End

Yesterday, I wrote about new beginnings.  Today, I was going to write about whether I achieved my goals yesterday (all of them for the most part).  I was also going to write about the importance of diet in weight loss (extremely important).   Yet, sometimes we need to pivot and write about an end.   

In many ways, it seems entirely appropriate that I learned of the passing of mentor, colleague, and friend while I was giving an examination at the institution where we met 35 years ago.  Additionally,  it seems appropriate that the man who ignited my love of  Constitutional Law and the Supreme Court of the United States passed away on the first Monday in October. 

I have spent much of the day reflecting.  There has been some laughter and smiles.  Some stories shared on social media and privately.  There have been some tears about what has been lost and profound impact this man had on my life.  We all have teachers that changed the course of our life for the better.  The teacher that believed in you, challenged you, inspired you, guided you and supported you.   For me,  Dr. Peter Schotten was one of those teachers.  There are so many stories I could tell you about him.  I could tell about his propensity for puns.  I could tell you about his quick wit.  I could tell you about his intelligence.  I could tell you about his fashion sense.  I could tell you how he helped students like no other professor I have ever seen.  In the end, I am at a loss for words.  I will simply say, he is the mentor and professor that I have aspired to be since returning to Augustana. 

I met Dr. Schotten thirty-five years ago when I was a freshman in college in the fall of 1986. He was the prelaw advisor at Augustana.  Though he clearly had concerns, he supported, encouraged, and challenged me to be the best I could.  I listened to him but often fell short of both our expectations. He helped me prepare for the LSAT and apply for law school. Without him, I would have never been accepted to law school.  Years later, I would be fortunate to return to Augustana and call him a colleague.  He always treated me as an equal.  He had good advice.  But most of all, he was honest.  Brutally honest at times.  If you ever dealt with him, you understand what I mean. 

In my last correspondence with Dr. Schotten, I thanked him for being such a great mentor to me and many others.  I wrote “There are few people that have had a greater impact upon my life.”  What I didn’t say is that outside of my parents and immediate family, he made the most significant positive impact upon my life. I simply would not be where I am today without him. Life is short.  Thank those who help.  Hug those you love.  Make sure they know.

You can read his obituary here – Peter M. Schotten The picture at the top of the blog post is from my college graduation party. It shows me, looking a bit startled and intimidated. It also my father (far right) and Dr. Schotten (middle) with expressions that are priceless. Rest well Dr. Schotten. You made the world better. Say hello to my dad.

One Year Ago Part II

But mostly, today, I am sad. I miss him. I miss his smile. I miss his hugs.

This blog is mostly about my health journey. It is about how, in less than a year, I was able to transform my health and maintain it. The story of my transformation began one year ago today.

From the beginning of the COVID19 pandemic, I have been worried about my brothers. They both have significant health issues due to Trisomy 9. They are very vulnerable to viruses. What I had read COVID19 indicated this was a bad virus.

I was hoping this virus would fizzle out like the Swine flu in 1976 and 2009. But as numbers began to grow in South Dakota in late August 2020, so did my concern. Though the staff at his home took many precautions, on September 4, 2020, I received word that my oldest brother, Jefferson, was confirmed COVID19 positive. He was quarantined in his home and monitored. Staff checked on him regularly and took his vitals. Because of the nature of the virus, nobody was allowed to visit. I received frequent status reports on his progress. For the most part, things were looking good.  After 11 days with no major symptoms, I hoped the worst was behind us.

Around 4:30 pm on September 14, 2020, I received a text update regarding Jefferson. It said “Oxygen 92% . . .Temp 99.9 Eating well. Was little agitated this afternoon so Tylenol was given.”    This was the last update I would receive.

At approximately 2am on September 15, 2020, I was sound asleep when I was awakened by my dog barking. As I stumbled out of bed to discuss the inappropriateness of barking at 2am, I heard an electric buzz. It sounded odd. I didn’t know what it was. When I got to the main floor of my home, there was the dog still barking. Somebody was on our porch with a flashlight. It was just a bit freaky. Quickly I found the source of the light when I saw a uniformed police officer through the window. I immediately knew why he was at my house. I opened the door and he asked if I was Jason. I said yes. He asked if I had a brother name Jefferson. I said yes. He then informed me that he had passed away in his sleep. Dead at 59 from Covid19. SIDENOTE:  I never got the name of the police officer. But I do want to thank him. I can’t imagine how awful it must be to tell someone you don’t know about the death of a loved one.   Also, the buzzing was due to the doorbell breaking and needing to be replaced.

Statistically, my brother was COVID19 death number 200 in South Dakota. We now have nearly 2,000. His death unleashed a torrent of emotions that are still flowing through me. I am sad because he is gone. I am angry because I couldn’t stop his death. I am mad that we can’t seem slow this virus down and many more will die. I am pissed that the virus has become a political game to many. I am happy he isn’t in pain. I grateful for the perspective all of this has provided me but frustrated that I have even less patience for BS.

But mostly, today, I am sad. I miss him. I miss his smile. I miss his hugs. I miss talking with him. I miss the perspective he gave me. I didn’t visit him enough, but each visit made a difference for me (and I think for him). He will never know that I am the person I am today because of him. It is not coincidence that it was only a couple of days after what would have been his 60th birthday that I began this journey.

So today, I ask my readers, take a moment to reach out to those that you love. Tell them you love them. Give them a hug because you don’t know when you won’t be able to anymore.

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